An Ancient Egyptian Healing Balm That Will Cure Any Skin Condition


In the case of Egyptian Magic All-Purpose Skin Cream, “magic” is not an empty marketing term, or even an exaggeration. This shit is actual, blessed-by-the-gods magic.

If the creator of this natural beauty balm (who goes by LordPharaoh ImHotepAmonRa [read: not his given name, obvi]) is to be believed, the formula for Egyptian Magic has been quietly passed down from person to person via spirit guidance since ancient Egyptian times. So basically, this is definitely my kind of weird, “woo-woo” beauty product.

Mr. ImHotepAmonRa was approached to take over production of the mystical healing ointment by a doctor, the previously recipe keeper. At the time, LordPharoah was working as a water filter salesman and eagerly accepted this new, divine appointment. The doctor told LordPharoah (then known as Westley Howard) that he had been chosen specifically to introduce Egyptian Magic to the general public — on one condition: no paid marketing, no advertising. 

Over the next few years, LordPharoah ImHotepAmonRa learned how to make the anointed mixture out of olive oil, honey, royal jelly, propolis, beeswax, and bee pollen (not to mention Divine Love, an actual listed ingredient) and fulfilled his mission of bring Magic to the masses. I mean, I stumbled upon my first jar in Whole Foods. If that's not the big time, what is?

I knew this product was magical long before I learned its backstory. I picked it up to see if it would help with the dermatitis around my eyes, and within one night my dermatitis was 75% gone. (Eventually, it came back, by no fault of Egyptian Magic. Dermatitis is just a chronic condition.) Not only that, but the rest of my face looked clearer, plumper, and insanely hydrated in the morning. 

The 100% natural balm — which has a unique oily-but-waxy texture — will work on almost any skin condition: eczema, burns, scarring, acne, discoloration, cellulite, stretch marks, you name it. It can be used anywhere on the body, or as a scalp treatment. Some people have even used it in lieu of lube!

While I personally believe that Egyptian Magic is a literal tub of skin/spirit wisdom, naysayers claim that “Ancient Egyptians didn’t have the ability to separate out pollen, jelly and propolis.” But these are probably the same people who don’t believe that aliens built the pyramids, so you really can’t trust them, right?